Why Won’t They Listen?! Getting Your Child to Cooperate Without Yelling
Let’s be honest: we’ve all had those mornings where we hear our own voice echoing off the walls, shouting “PUT YOUR SHOES ON!” for what feels like the millionth time. And yet… the shoes remain untouched, your child is cartwheeling through the hallway, and your blood pressure is rising faster than your child can say “just five more minutes.”
If you’ve ever wondered why your child seems to have selective hearing, you’re not alone. The truth is, what looks like ignoring is often something very different - something completely normal and developmentally expected. Let’s dig into what’s really going on, and how to shift from shouting to cooperation.
Why Young Children “Ignore” Instructions (It’s Not What You Think)
Children aged 3–7 are still developing something called executive function - that’s the brain’s ability to plan, focus attention, remember instructions, and juggle multiple tasks. So, when your 4-year-old doesn’t respond the first (or fifth) time you ask them to tidy their toys, it’s not defiance - it might be that they are genuinely focused on their play and haven’t registered your request.
And let’s face it, generally you’re asking them to switch from their agenda to your agenda. I mean, would you want to stop doing something fun to come clean up someone else’s idea of “mess”? Probably not. Children aren’t tiny adults - they’re learning how to switch attention, manage impulses, and respond to requests. It’s hard work for their developing brains!
Connection Before Correction
Before we start correcting behaviour, we need to connect. Children are far more likely to cooperate when they feel emotionally safe and connected. A gentle hand on the shoulder, getting down to their level, making eye contact, or even using a bit of humour can go a long way.
Try this: instead of shouting from across the room, walk over, crouch down, and say warmly, “It looks like you’ve been having real fun with those blocks. It’s nearly tidy-up time. Do you want to be the truck driver and drive them back into the box?” or give a choice about the job '“Do you want to collect the lego or the people?”
Speak Positively and Set Clear Boundaries
How we phrase things really matters. Children can’t process negatives, so if you say “Don’t climb on the table” they hear “climb on the table!”. If you say Don’t put the pen in your mouth” they hear “Put the pen in your mouth!” - they are developmentally unable to process the “don’t”. They just hear the action.
Children respond better to instructions framed in the positive. It tells them what to do, rather than leaving them guessing what the right alternative is.
So, try this: instead of saying “Don’t run!” try saying “Use your walking feet.” Instead of “Don’t say unkind things to your brother” try saying “We use kind words in our family”.
But even more important? Consistency. If you say it, mean it and follow through calmly. Boundaries are like fences in a playground: they help children feel safe, secure, and confident about what comes next.
Tone and Timing Are Everything
Yelling feels like it works… until it doesn’t. It triggers a stress response in kids’ brains, shutting down their ability to listen and problem-solve. (And let’s be honest, it doesn’t feel great for us either.)
Instead, try this:
Use a calm, firm tone—think “teacher voice,” not “tornado.”
Give one instruction at a time, especially for younger children.
Wait for a response. Kids need time to process what you’ve said. A beat or two of silence can work wonders.
Make eye contact/say their name/touch their arm, to check they are listening.
Three Go-To Scripts for Cooperation
Here are three tried-and-tested phrases that help children cooperate without conflict:
“First ___, then ___.”
“First coat on, then we can go to the park.”
Why it works: It sets a clear order and offers motivation.
If they argue about wearing a coat - don’t stress! Take the coat with you. You don’t need to have the fight there and then - once they are outside and cold, they’ll soon want to put their coat on!
“Do you want to do it, or shall I help you?”
“Do you want to put your pyjamas on, or shall I help you?”
Why it works: It offers a choice within the boundary.
“Let’s do it together.”
“Let’s tidy the blocks together. I’ll do the red ones, you do the blue.”
Why it works: It models collaboration and reduces overwhelm.
Talk children through the tidying up and give them lots of praise - “Wow! You picked those up really quickly! And everything is in the right place. Now, do you think you could put the marble run back in the drawer?
Race them. '“You pick up the cars, I’ll pick up the barbie clothes.
You’re Not Alone (and You’re Doing Better Than You Think)
Parenting isn’t easy - and we’re certainly not here to pretend it is. But here’s the good news: cooperation is a skill that can be taught and practised over time. The more we model calm, respectful communication, the more our children learn to do the same. It might not be until they are 20, but we must always model what we want to hear!
At Blossom, we’re here to walk with you through the messy, magical years of early childhood. If you’d like more scripts, step-by-step strategies, and printables you can use at home, visit the Blossom website and check out our guide about cooperation without yelling - our Top Tips For Just Saying it Once - practical strategies to try from experienced educators who’ve been there.
We’ve got your back. And yes, we’ve been the parent shouting about shoes too.
Let’s build calmer, happier days together.
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