When Listening Gets Lost: Helping Children Feel Heard
Teachers often joke that early years children talk more than they breathe - but behind all that chatter is a deep need to be heard.
At home and in school, children compete with devices, deadlines, and distractions. And when they don’t feel heard, they talk louder, act out, or withdraw completely.
We often think “listening” means being quiet, but for young children, it’s eye contact, facial expression, and follow-up that count. The brain literally lights up when a child feels understood and it builds language pathways and emotional resilience.
When adults are overstretched, though, true listening becomes a luxury.
Two small tips:
1. Use the “one in, one out” rule - when your child or pupil talks, put down or look away from one thing (the book, the phone, the laptop). You’ll instantly double your presence and their sense of worth.
2. Aim for ‘serve and return’ exchanges. Encouraging talking is so important and anything you can do to encourage it is so valuable. Expressing their ideas and what they think is the most important thing that you can encourage and the gold standard is conversation. Extending these and getting your child to respond to what you say is really good for them. If you can then say something back and get them to respond again, then brilliant! These are called serve and return conversations, because, like a rally in a game of tennis, the longer you can keep it going, the better. 5 exchanges or above and you are talking expert level - this is the point where the really high quality stuff happens and you power-boost your parenting!
Here are some ideas for conversation starters you can try. Let us know how you get on by commenting below!
Imaginative & Fun
If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
What would you name a pet dinosaur?
If you were a superhero, what would your costume look like?
Where would you go if you could fly anywhere right now?
What's the smelliest thing you can think of?
About Their Day & Feelings
What was the funniest thing that happened today?
Tell me about something nice someone did for you.
What made you feel proud today?
What's the best thing in your bedroom?
How do you show someone you love them?
Favorites & Preferences
What's your favorite color/animal/song/book?
If you could only eat one fruit forever, what would it be?
What's your favorite thing to do at the park/library/home?
What's your favorite part of a story?
Tips for Engaging
Ask "Why?" and "How?": Dig deeper into their answers.
Listen Actively: Nod, make eye contact, and show you're engaged.
Share About Yourself: Model good conversation by sharing your own thoughts and experiences.
Be Present: Ask questions during activities like playing or eating.
